Funnies

Rugby definitions - What rugby terms really mean!

Foul Play - what the other side do. If your side do it, it's called ‘using your initiative'.

Ruck - informal, impromptu get-together for forwards and a few close friends.

Mark - if you can cleanly catch a ball kicked several hundred feet in the air within your own 22 metre line and call ‘mark' while the entire other side is pounding towards you intent on doing you damage, you can have a free kick. You deserve it.

Offside - a natural break in the play called by the referee every 35 seconds to let everyone get their breath back.

Advantage: The situation when a referee decides to allow play to continue and not blow for an obvious transgression immediately, due to a mistaken impression that it somehow benefits a team.

Blindside: The term used to describe the referee's inability to see a foul committed. Following a technique refined by former All Black hooker and captain Sean Fitzpatrick that allowed him to commit a foul usually in a ruck or maul at the very moment that the referee turned his back to check on the offside line.

Openside Flanker: It is this player who, when approaching the end of a Cup Final, assumes the role of Scrum Half and puts the ball into the scrum.

Calcutta Cup: Historically the game between the two strongest international representative Teams, England and Scotland. (circa 1871-1899) The title is now given to an annual fixture involving one of rugby's strongest nations helping to bring on a developing nation (England vs Scotland circa 2002)

Cap: Compulsory headgear bearing sponsor's logo worn at post-match interviews.

Conversion: The situation when a Welshmen remembers that he's Welsh after he has been ignored by the All Black/Australian/South African/English selectors.

Disciplinary Panel: A meeting of between 2 and 3 former players who regularly convene in a Sky Sports studio in order to highlight incidents involving Leicester Tigers players that the referee failed to spot. They then pass sentence and the RFU are then obliged to carry out the punishment “in the interests of sport”. (See also: Trial by Media)

Free kick: The punishment for lying on the wrong side of a ruck of maul.

Grubber: Mistimed drop kick from anywhere on the field.

Goose step: Change in running style from a sprint to high kicking in order to slow down a defender only to sprint once defender has slowed down. First used by David Campese when, sprinting down the touchline, he saw dogsh*t lying in his path and tried to avoid getting his new boots dirty.

Laws: Rugby has laws, not rules; therefore it is that which you have to disobey in full view of the referee in order to be punished.

Maul: Free-for-all brawl where the ball is kept in the air. See ruck (1).

Offside (as in offside line): an imaginary line passing through a ball without puncturing it.

Place kick: a defensive offensive tactic to prevent the scoring of tries. (At Welford Road, these commonly take place from within the attacking team's own half)

Referee's Assistant: The role that is often adopted my a Mr M. Dawson at Tigers vs Saints matches.

Ruck (1): Free-for-all brawl where the ball is placed on the ground. See maul.

Ruck (2): Accidental stepping on an opponent lying in an offside position.

Sidestep: a manoeuvre perfected by South African rugby administrators to avoid choosing black players.

Sinbin: a tactic used by some referees to increase their impact on the outcome of a game.

Trial by Media: The process by which Leicester players are singled out for committing acts of indiscipline that regularly go unpunished with all teams. This is often done purely “in the interests of fair-play”

Try: The verb used to describe what the Wales do every year in the Six Nations, often with little or no success.

Up-and-under: (an integral calculus term in rugby competitions) the inversion of global geographics - the southern hemisphere teams are usually ‘up', while the northern hemisphere teams are usually ‘under'.

Wing (1): Northern hemisphere - extra defender.

Wing (2): Southern hemisphere - top try scorer.

International call-up: The invitation to Twickenham that Rugby League players receive along with their first pay packet.

Away supporters (Tigers): The coachloads of dedicated fans that travel all over the country (often on Friday nights & Sundays) to see their team play at various football grounds.

Away supporters (Other teams): The car full of fans that travel to Welford Road in the vain hope that it will be their team that breaks our home record.

Chanting: Something that other teams fans do to inspire their boys. These often involve various collections of different words strung together, except at Welford Road where the word “Tigers” repeated ad infinitum appears to work with more success.

Prop: Front row position that has finally solves the mystery of who did actually eat all of the pies.

Twickenham: National stadium often referred to by one of its other names, “HQ”, “Billy Williams' Cabbage Patch” or, on International weekends “The Home of the Tigers”

Northampton Saints: East Midlands team that seems to exist only as a feeder team for National Division One side Bedford Blues…

London Irish: As their name suggests, a group of South Africans that play rugby in Reading

Season Ticket: At Leicester this is the only way to guarantee entry to all of the home league games during the season. (For other teams see: Turning up on the day)

Sevens: An abreviated version of the 15 man game. This shorter version is preferred by front row players as they invariably spend the whole game in the bar and not on the pitch.

Out on the full: Where the ball leaves the field of play without bouncing, except in Heineken Cup finals, when the ball must be over 3 yards into touch before qualifying as going "out on the full".

Side Step: A manouvre whereby the attacking player attempts to avoid a defender my means of a brief horizontal, rather than lateral movement across the field of play. The side step has recently been adopted by some defending players as a means of avoiding serious injury when faced with the sight of a 16 stone dreadlocked Samoan running towards them.

Premiership Referee: Commonly these are failed players who still have a chip on their shoulder. The sort of people that even mothers might struggle to love. (see also: Media, the)

Sale Sharks: (Formerly: Manchester Sale...............and before that: Sale) This team appears to use a random word generator in order to chose its name. For the 2003/04 season, they are considering changing the name to "Closing down Sale" in order to benefit from the free publicity they will get in Manchester city centre.

Gloucester: Winners of the Zurich Championship. They can therefore claim to be Champions of England. (Just as Dr Fox is medically qualified & the World Series Baseball is truly International)

Harlequin: n. Stock comic character. especially in checked costume. Need I say more?

Bath: In the late 80s & early 90s, Bath were the team everyone wanted to beat. Last season, they were instead the team everyone expected to beat.

Rugby League: Version of rugby commonly played in the North of England. The teams consist of 13 players on each side. This is largely due to the number of wingers moving to Rugby Union, resulting in a player shortage in the Super League.

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and

then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while

she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

One Liners from This Years' Edinburgh Festival

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Vital info for upcoming FOOTBALL World Cup:

The offside rule explained for girls

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the

shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you

had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop

and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other

shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,

*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch

the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it

would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

NOW DON'T SAY WE NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!

*************************************************************************************

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

********************************************************

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't

waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your

heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the

life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need

grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy

vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance

of vegetable products.

________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the

goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables

________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the

best feel-good food around!

________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had

About food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather

to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body

thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride!


	What's News \| Team News \| Who Where & Why \| Match Reports \| Fixtures & Results \| Events \| Links \| Message Board \| Contacts \| 100 CLUB \| Training \| Galleries \| Funnies \| Sponsors Page Funnies Rugby definitions - What rugby terms really mean! Foul Play - what the other side do. If your side do it, it's called ‘using your initiative'. Ruck - informal, impromptu get-together for forwards and a few close friends. Mark - if you can cleanly catch a ball kicked several hundred feet in the air within your own 22 metre line and call ‘mark' while the entire other side is pounding towards you intent on doing you damage, you can have a free kick. You deserve it. Offside - a natural break in the play called by the referee every 35 seconds to let everyone get their breath back. Advantage: The situation when a referee decides to allow play to continue and not blow for an obvious transgression immediately, due to a mistaken impression that it somehow benefits a team. Blindside: The term used to describe the referee's inability to see a foul committed. Following a technique refined by former All Black hooker and captain Sean Fitzpatrick that allowed him to commit a foul usually in a ruck or maul at the very moment that the referee turned his back to check on the offside line. Openside Flanker: It is this player who, when approaching the end of a Cup Final, assumes the role of Scrum Half and puts the ball into the scrum. Calcutta Cup: Historically the game between the two strongest international representative Teams, England and Scotland. (circa 1871-1899) The title is now given to an annual fixture involving one of rugby's strongest nations helping to bring on a developing nation (England vs Scotland circa 2002) Cap: Compulsory headgear bearing sponsor's logo worn at post-match interviews. Conversion: The situation when a Welshmen remembers that he's Welsh after he has been ignored by the All Black/Australian/South African/English selectors. Disciplinary Panel: A meeting of between 2 and 3 former players who regularly convene in a Sky Sports studio in order to highlight incidents involving Leicester Tigers players that the referee failed to spot. They then pass sentence and the RFU are then obliged to carry out the punishment “in the interests of sport”. (See also: Trial by Media) Free kick: The punishment for lying on the wrong side of a ruck of maul. Grubber: Mistimed drop kick from anywhere on the field. Goose step: Change in running style from a sprint to high kicking in order to slow down a defender only to sprint once defender has slowed down. First used by David Campese when, sprinting down the touchline, he saw dogsht lying in his path and tried to avoid getting his new boots dirty. Laws:* Rugby has laws, not rules; therefore it is that which you have to disobey in full view of the referee in order to be punished. Maul: Free-for-all brawl where the ball is kept in the air. See ruck (1). Offside (as in offside line): an imaginary line passing through a ball without puncturing it. Place kick: a defensive offensive tactic to prevent the scoring of tries. (At Welford Road, these commonly take place from within the attacking team's own half) Referee's Assistant: The role that is often adopted my a Mr M. Dawson at Tigers vs Saints matches. Ruck (1): Free-for-all brawl where the ball is placed on the ground. See maul. Ruck (2): Accidental stepping on an opponent lying in an offside position. Sidestep: a manoeuvre perfected by South African rugby administrators to avoid choosing black players. Sinbin: a tactic used by some referees to increase their impact on the outcome of a game. Trial by Media: The process by which Leicester players are singled out for committing acts of indiscipline that regularly go unpunished with all teams. This is often done purely “in the interests of fair-play” Try: The verb used to describe what the Wales do every year in the Six Nations, often with little or no success. Up-and-under: (an integral calculus term in rugby competitions) the inversion of global geographics - the southern hemisphere teams are usually ‘up', while the northern hemisphere teams are usually ‘under'. Wing (1): Northern hemisphere - extra defender. Wing (2): Southern hemisphere - top try scorer. International call-up: The invitation to Twickenham that Rugby League players receive along with their first pay packet. Away supporters (Tigers): The coachloads of dedicated fans that travel all over the country (often on Friday nights & Sundays) to see their team play at various football grounds. Away supporters (Other teams): The car full of fans that travel to Welford Road in the vain hope that it will be their team that breaks our home record. Chanting: Something that other teams fans do to inspire their boys. These often involve various collections of different words strung together, except at Welford Road where the word “Tigers” repeated ad infinitum appears to work with more success. Prop: Front row position that has finally solves the mystery of who did actually eat all of the pies. Twickenham: National stadium often referred to by one of its other names, “HQ”, “Billy Williams' Cabbage Patch” or, on International weekends “The Home of the Tigers” Northampton Saints: East Midlands team that seems to exist only as a feeder team for National Division One side Bedford Blues… London Irish: As their name suggests, a group of South Africans that play rugby in Reading Season Ticket: At Leicester this is the only way to guarantee entry to all of the home league games during the season. (For other teams see: Turning up on the day) Sevens: An abreviated version of the 15 man game. This shorter version is preferred by front row players as they invariably spend the whole game in the bar and not on the pitch. Out on the full: Where the ball leaves the field of play without bouncing, except in Heineken Cup finals, when the ball must be over 3 yards into touch before qualifying as going "out on the full". Side Step: A manouvre whereby the attacking player attempts to avoid a defender my means of a brief horizontal, rather than lateral movement across the field of play. The side step has recently been adopted by some defending players as a means of avoiding serious injury when faced with the sight of a 16 stone dreadlocked Samoan running towards them. Premiership Referee: Commonly these are failed players who still have a chip on their shoulder. The sort of people that even mothers might struggle to love. (see also: Media, the) Sale Sharks: (Formerly: Manchester Sale...............and before that: Sale) This team appears to use a random word generator in order to chose its name. For the 2003/04 season, they are considering changing the name to "Closing down Sale" in order to benefit from the free publicity they will get in Manchester city centre. Gloucester: Winners of the Zurich Championship. They can therefore claim to be Champions of England. (Just as Dr Fox is medically qualified & the World Series Baseball is truly International) Harlequin: n. Stock comic character. especially in checked costume. Need I say more? Bath: In the late 80s & early 90s, Bath were the team everyone wanted to beat. Last season, they were instead the team everyone expected to beat. Rugby League: Version of rugby commonly played in the North of England. The teams consist of 13 players on each side. This is largely due to the number of wingers moving to Rugby Union, resulting in a player shortage in the Super League. When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her. One Liners from This Years' Edinburgh Festival I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be shtting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance* My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twt. Susan Murray at the Underbelly* You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sht, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms* The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34 Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at the Pleasance I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly Vital info for upcoming FOOTBALL World Cup: The offside rule explained for girls You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper. NOW DON'T SAY WE NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! *********************************************************************************** Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. For a video to see how beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf **************************************************** Thanks EMILE HERTZ** I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM! HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ________________________________ Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. ________________________________ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ________________________________ Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ________________________________ Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! ________________________________ Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ________________________________ Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. ________________________________ Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! ________________________________ Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. ________________________________ Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ________________________________ Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had About food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride!